Ambassador-Nominee Bolton Plans to Bring Social Network Analysis to UN

Boy, was I excited when my friend at the newswire sent me this story!

(WASHINGTON, DC) John Bolton announced today his intention to "make the world smaller and more scale-free" by bringing social network analysis to the United Nations. President Bush applauded his controversial nominee, saying, "Today dawns a new era of freedom and democracy. To the evildoers of the world, I say come out of your structural holes, for even now we are only six degrees of separation from you."

Democrats, formerly united in their opposition to Bolton, now face a more complicated choice. Social network analysis may well improve the workflow of the hopelessly corrupt and bureaucratic UN. However, more skeptical Democrats fear that Bolton's true objective is to oust beleaguered UN Secretary General Kofi Annan by painting him as the "central connector" of the oil-for-food scandal.

Secretary General Annan was unavailable today for comment, but a UN spokesperson re-iterated on his behalf, "Mr. Annan looks forward to welcoming John Bolton to our ranks." Other UN ambassadors responded in less welcoming fashion, off the record: "If Bolton wants social network analysis, we say, 'Bring it on.' Let him see just how peripheral an ambassador can be."